Toseef's Blog

Wednesday 2nd July 2008 03:47:06 PM

change the fucking subject

So I been a little MIA, I hope you don't mind but there was something I wanted to get off my chest (and I don't mean the hair though it has been bugging me lately).

Desi's, or Deshi's, however you wanna fucking pronounce it - it all boils down to the same thing, y'know what I'm talking about, those South Asian retards. The conversations. The attitude. The mentality. The shitty lifestyle.

And to quite frank with you all, we're not helping. We say we're "modern", "liberal", "intellectual" and what not, but really we're just succumbing to the information and lifestyle that we've had passed down to us. Not ever the thought to question and challenge them on their views, oh no (because that would be too much trouble) but instead we'll disagree and go along with it. Yup, that makes sense.

But then it gets better, or so we think, setting up blogs and shouting "hey look at me I'm a desi!" and telling everyone how nice of a guy or gal you are. Then after a certain period of time we move ten steps backwards, get into a huddle, hold hands and whisper the same lame words that our elders muttered at our age ...

"So when are you getting married?"
"You like that guy don't you?"
"Tell your parents to find you a nice girl"
"Koee larkee pasand hai?"
"I know someone who'd be perfect for you"

etc etc.

The only difference is we're modern, remember? Meaning instead of coming to your house for chai and biscuits, I'll send you a quick text saying the exact same thing. Or send an email, have a messenger conversation, leave a blog comment, or even facebook your ass. It's still the same thing, I'm your desi uncle and you're my annoying auntie shaanty (honay walee). We haven't evolved much, us desis, except maybe technologically.

Everywhere you turn someone's talking about it. If it's not about yourself then it's about someone else, nevertheless the fucking subject is alive and kicking. It seems that's all we ever talk about - how lame and lifeless does that make us?

The content of the conversation is ridiculous in itself ... "This guy's not married or that girl's not married" big stupid hoohaa and like I fucking care! To make matters worse girls themselves will be like "omg I'm X years of age (usually in their 20's) and I should be married". Should? According to whom? Them?

It goes a bit further than this though, the girl herself will beat herself up over it, have sleepless nights and even cry herself to sleep. A few nights of this and eventually it leads to depression. All because of what? Simply the people around her. Put this very same girl in a different environment and the last thing she'd think about would be marriage.

And so I could go on about this forever, I'm not going to because I know it's not going to make an iota of a difference. What I am going to say is change the fucking subject cos chances are we're all going to get laid - whether we like it or not in some cases!

6 commentsPosted by Piniyini

Tuesday 20th May 2008 06:27:22 PM

pini pom pom

I wanted to delete this blog.

But I couldn't do it.

So I left it, as is.

Truth be told, the pom pom had left me.

What's toseef.com without the pom pom?

Exactly.

Then a few incidents occurred.

Went to a cousins house

Where we convinced my BIL

To smoke a 'plain cigar' - "tastes exactly like a cigarette" we told him

He wasn't having any of it

"It's an original Cuban import" I told him, "rolled on the thighs of virgins"

15 mins later we have a BIL who is chatting a lot of shit

Oops.

Other day, went to a see a cousin who has his own flat

and lives alone

instead of knocking like normal people

had the bright idea to

throw pieces of wood inside his open top bedroom window

where we knew he'd be sleeping

10 mins later he wakes up

"You broke my lamp!"

Oops

"You effin nutters! How old you?!"

Which reminded me that I am now 22

and shouldn't be doing such idiotic things

that's when I realised

that the pom pom never really left

just sleeping, like i does

overslept, like i does

and will wake up when the time is right

and present itself where it must

and that there's no stopping the voice in my head

referred to often as the 'pini pom pom'

10 commentsPosted by Piniyini

Friday 4th April 2008 08:36:21 PM

pardon my lame joke

As most of you guessed, I'm not really getting married (thankfully). I hadn't posted in a while and then thought "oh maybe I should update my blog", plus a few people where beginning to bug me about it aswell. The problem with writing a blog entry when you've not done so in a while is that you don't really know where to begin. And just when I was about to write something I realised that it's the 1st of April, and on that note posted a little April Fool's joke related to the post that had been sitting on the front page for two months. I was surprised to find that some people actually fell for it, c'mon peeps you know me better than this!

Y'know something? I have a lot to say about desi's and marriage but I'm going to save all that for some other day. Oh and here's something I found out a while back (and it may surprise you aswell) ... my dad knows about this blog and I cringe to think he may even read it at times. Yes, you read that right. I don't know how he found out but I have a fair idea, probably saw it in the address bar on the home computer. Aaaaah. But I've decided I've got nothing to hide (ahem, ahem) and will speak my mind as usual. Besides, I've always said this is a family friendly blog - never did I think they'd read it though!

On some other news my BIL (brother-in-law) is here from America and we always have a ton of guests over, not only that but we have to go places too. Yippee. Not.

4 commentsPosted by Piniyini

Tuesday 1st April 2008 11:35:58 PM

I'm getting married !

I don't know how this happened but it's happening, I can't even believe it myself! Hmmm, where to start? Well, you know my previous post ... it had a bit of truth to it apparently. My parents hooked me up with this girl who are good family friends, at first I was like "No no no, I'm not going for some arranged shit" but when I saw her picture I couldn't say no. This chick ticks all the right boxes and has me all raring to go, this girl is FLY.

I'm so busy these day's it's unbelievable. I'll post more about this later on, it's late and I'm tired and I promised a few people I'd update (namely Feesa who said she'd beat me up if I didn't) ... will post more soon :)

10 commentsPosted by Piniyini

Sunday 3rd February 2008 04:20:12 PM

You know you're a desi when ...

... you recieve a text message from one of your cousins, in all seriousness, congratulating you on the arrangement of your WEDDING - to one of your close cousins in Pakistan might I add (puke!) ... apparently it's been scheduled for July this year.

Oh what fun lives the Paki's lead.

20 commentsPosted by Piniyini

Wednesday 30th January 2008 08:54:24 PM

How do I feel? (by Sanna)

My youngest sister Sanna who is 8 years old was telling me that she reads this blog, when I found out I was surprised to say the least. Asked if she understood what I was talking about, she replied "Yeah most of it, and I read Boba's blog too but I think yours is better" (ha ha Boba).

A little later on I went to my room and on the wardrobe is a picture Sanna drew many years that I leave hanging on. For one reason only, to tease her about it every chance I get (and I think I do that rather well) - infact I've just thought of a new digitalized version of doing so.

What I like about this picture:
- The writing is all jumbled and oversized (i.e. name, and text under the faces).
- The date. I remember her bringing the work home like it was yesterday, eventhough four years is a long time.
- The smiley faces ... show the innocence of a child.
- The two "blobs" which are explained by the teachers comment "Super - you've used full stops to end your sentences Sanna".

I hope you still like my blog Sanna

9 commentsPosted by Piniyini

Monday 28th January 2008 04:31:00 PM

blog keyward stats

Yeah yeah yeah I know I've not been updating .. I've been trying some time management things out and it's all bullshit it doesn't work or maybe I don't let it work but either way here we are back to square one as always.

So I could put loads of things on here such as Abz texting me and saying he's going to find a new buddy because this one isn't very active in the girl hunting department. I told him all in due time and if he ever thinks of mentioning of replacing me ever again then I will have no choice but to put an end to this old time relationship. Also, that he had offended me deeply and should consider himself very lucky for us to be one again. (Samajdarr larka howsh may agayah varrna ...)

Anyway because I've not been posting regular I thought it'd be an idea to check my blog stats just to see if anyone visits this place anymore, and to my surprise everything was about average (not drastically less than before - hence decided to post). While I was doing so I clicked on "Keyword Analysis" and had a chuckle over some of the keywords (duh) used to find this blog:

sleeping walking/talking

It's happened to me more times than I care to mention, often finding myself in the bog in the middle of the night. But shit happens what can you do ...

who shall i give my love to

Oh I dunno, the highest bidder maybe? Or throw it around like a frisbee to whoever wants to play, the worst scenario is you'll get it back in the chest, that can't be all that bad right?

bullshit movies

They're all fcuking bullshit, I've made a pact not to watch any more. The story lines are lame, the actors/actresses are snobby shits who don't know real life at all. Can't be arsed with 'em anymore.

i love baba ali

Aww ain't that nice? I remember when I went to one his talks, a guy asked him if he was married or not (yes a guy! and he got laughed at haha). Baba Ali tactically avoided the question, can't even remember what his reply was - me thinks he might aswell become an MP.

kitkat peanut london

London IS a kitkat peanut, and how is searching google for food going to help?

gay muslim allowed

Yes they are, no they're not, yes they are, no they're not ... (you get the idea). I asked my little sister Sanna who's 8 years old and she says they're not, but what I'm trying to say is your opinion will change depending on who you ask.

why do chavs put their hands down their pants

Oh boy that's a toughie. There's only one way to find out for sure and that certainly ain't here.

found out i smoke

Shit, I hate it when that happens. One minute you're standing there and the next you're blowing smoke from a baccy stick and then all of a sudden you're like "Damn fuck why I am always the last one to find out?!"

slept with sister in the same bed

Er ... I hope you're her younger sister

sexy savile dewsbury

I've lived here all my life and believe me when I say it's not so sexy!

1 commentPosted by Piniyini

Thursday 10th January 2008 08:43:18 PM

my first blog spam

Now that everyone has become a muslim from staring at the previous "make me a muslim" post I thought it'd be a good time to make a comeback. Nah who am I kidding? The real reason I'm updating is to mark the fact that I got my first ever automated blog spam comment today (well 32 in total if I'm being honest), and get this I'm actually happy about it.

Yeah I know spam is a real pain in the behind for most blog authors and probably takes a lot of their time but I've never had to deal with it before. The reason being that this blog is custom coded and doesn't follow the same templates as Blogger or Wordpress (which spammers aim for) this can only mean one thing. Before the spammer could run their pesky little bot they had to specifically code it to align with my comment template, which would mean they thought my blog was popular enough and/or worthwhile for them to take the time out to spam it. Ha ha ha, how wrong they were.

I've never pre-approved my comments like some bloggers have to and for sure I'm not going to start now. As a cautionary measure I did enable image verification but it shouldn't be a problem for my human visitors ...

4 commentsPosted by Piniyini

Monday 17th December 2007 05:54:22 PM

Video: Make Me A Muslim

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

7 commentsPosted by Piniyini

Make Me A Muslim (channel 4 part 1)
Video: Make Me A Muslim

Monday 17th December 2007 01:08:05 PM

Make Me A Muslim (channel 4 part 1)

Haven't posted in a while and thought it'd be a good idea to make a comeback for this one. Make Me A Muslim aired yesterday on Channel 4 and what a laugh that was, we were in hysterics from start to finish because it doesn't represent us modern day muslims at all. It had more of a comedic value if you ask me ... oh on so many levels!

For those of you who may not know what the program was about Channel 4 has a good summary.

Can Islam help repair the moral fabric of British society? To test it out, Imam Ajmal Masroor asks six non-Muslims and one lapsed Muslim to follow Islamic teachings for three weeks. The six come from Harrogate, in Yorkshire, a town with very few ethnic minority inhabitants.

Here's a picture of the three men and one muslim women who have the task of giving some insight of the muslim world to six weird and wacky individuals. And from what I saw they didn't do terribly well. Infact, they sucked big time. These guys were far too "old skool" in my opinion, what the producers should have done is have modern muslims explaining the concept of islam and how it can apply in their everyday lives but no they didn't want to do that ...

A little background on the non-muslims who decided to take part in the programme.

LUKE

A gay boy who leads a party lifestyle and enjoys dressing up fashionably ... erm, gay. Also likes designer sunglasses, pink tops, panties, and frocks. I like the fact that out of all the other non-muslims on the show he's the most open minded and respectful to others beliefs and opinions.

Comedy moment when one of the imams, Suleiman, is explaining to Luke why he thinks being gay is a choice and not a built-in function.

Luke: Why can't islam accept who I am?
Suleiman: Look Luke, God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!

Roflmao.

PHIL

A live-alone beer-drinking porn-watching bacon-munching taxi-driver who is also partial to a slice of the "gentlemens club" every so often.

"I get up in the mornings, I know God loves me, I don't understand why you have to pray fives times a day to show you love God, I don't get it"

You could say Phil is the most rebellious of the group but he does say towards the end of the show that he's willing to give islam one more attempt.

ASH & KARLA

Ash is referred to as a "lapsed muslim" in the show and is dating a non-muslim called Karla who is looking for acceptance from Ash's side of the family. She tries to get to grips with islam but it could be said that her reasoning for participating is flawed.

KERRY

A mother of two glamour-model who has recently dished out £4k on breast enlargement. The muslim women in the group plans a trip to Bradford with Kerry to find her some suitable clothes, however Kerry is having none of it. Afterall she is paid to take her clothes off.

There's also one more person in the group but I can't remember her story (or maybe they didn't show much of her). I really do hope Channel 4 viewers don't take the program seriously because if they do they'll surely have some warped views of muslims. Which can never be good for anyone.

Hopping 'round the blogosphere I noticed some very well written reviews about the show, one paragraph that struck out was by Unique and there's no way I could have said it better myself.

I believe the main imam, a British Muslim, had a vision for this program, to let the British public know that their materialistic life of sex, nudity, alcohol, binge-drinking and nightclubs is slowly rotting their society away from any morals and real meaning. He wants non-Muslims to look past the materialistic life and find a peaceful, spiritual life that has nothing to do with the immoral scenes we see in the streets of the West. He believes Islam is the answer, the cure, for such societal diseases.

Part 2 (of 3) is coming on tonight at 8pm, I'll be watching - just for the laugh.

6 commentsPosted by Piniyini

Make Me A Muslim (channel 4 part 1)
Video: Make Me A Muslim